This is just a collection of odd stuff (mostly labelled as jokes) which I’ve picked up over the years that purport to be based on stuff that someone MIGHT overhear in public. They seemed amusing to me. If they offend anyone, I’m sorry, I still found them rather funny.
I don’t consider this to, specifically, be a “Polack” joke. I just think of it as just acknowledging that there are such things as language/cultural differences which are, sometimes, amusing. Similar examples DO occur in many languages and/or cultures!
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.’
--
Kids can be awkward, can’t they?
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.
“It’s the minister, Mommy” the child said.
Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
--
Quasimodo is looking for an assistant!
Quasimodo was thinking about retiring, so he advertised for a replacement bell ringer at Notre Dame.
One day there is a knock at the door and he finds a man with no arms standing in front of him.
"I want to apply for the job," the man says,"and before you ask how I can do it, let me show you."
Quasimodo leads him up the tower to the bell chamber.
The man bends backwards at the waist, then forcefully throws his upper body forward and
strikes the bell with his face.
The bell swings away, ringing loudly, but when it swings back it strikes the man full on and sends
him flying from the tower to the street below. Quasi rushes down to where a crowd has gathered
around the man's body. One of them asks, "Do you know who this poor man is?"
Quasimodo says, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
--
How to sneak your dog into a restaurant!
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a Doberman and the other
has a Chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant.
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says, "no pets allowed - service dogs only."
The guy with the Doberman says, "don't worry I got this."
He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager comes up to him and says, "Sir, you can't have your dog in here."
The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog."
Skeptical, the manager asks, "Your guide dog is a Doberman?"
The man replies, "you see, a Doberman helps protect me against burglars."
The manager lets him through.
The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager approaches him and says, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
The man replies, "You don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog."
The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a Chihuahua?"
The man, quick to think, says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
--
How to make money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing
them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.
__
Be careful what you wish for:
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich again come in and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,
fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever
had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who
agrees with everything I say.
--
There’s a whole category of stories which we might call “Lawyer Jokes.” Here’s a couple from that group:
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a
fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!
--
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
--
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
The lawyer said, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
He said, "But I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
--
Problems at work!
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”
Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
--
Ya gotta know when to quit!
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
_______
I suspect that’s about enough of this sort of thing for anybody to take at one time, so I’ll stop now. (Aren’t you glad?) I plan to return in a couple of weeks if, as they say, “The Good Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.” I hope at least some readers will return…
🖖🏼 LLAP,
Dr. B
I don’t consider this to, specifically, be a “Polack” joke. I just think of it as just acknowledging that there are such things as language/cultural differences which are, sometimes, amusing. Similar examples DO occur in many languages and/or cultures!
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.’
--
Kids can be awkward, can’t they?
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer it.
“It’s the minister, Mommy” the child said.
Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
--
Quasimodo is looking for an assistant!
Quasimodo was thinking about retiring, so he advertised for a replacement bell ringer at Notre Dame.
One day there is a knock at the door and he finds a man with no arms standing in front of him.
"I want to apply for the job," the man says,"and before you ask how I can do it, let me show you."
Quasimodo leads him up the tower to the bell chamber.
The man bends backwards at the waist, then forcefully throws his upper body forward and
strikes the bell with his face.
The bell swings away, ringing loudly, but when it swings back it strikes the man full on and sends
him flying from the tower to the street below. Quasi rushes down to where a crowd has gathered
around the man's body. One of them asks, "Do you know who this poor man is?"
Quasimodo says, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
--
How to sneak your dog into a restaurant!
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a Doberman and the other
has a Chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant.
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says, "no pets allowed - service dogs only."
The guy with the Doberman says, "don't worry I got this."
He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager comes up to him and says, "Sir, you can't have your dog in here."
The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog."
Skeptical, the manager asks, "Your guide dog is a Doberman?"
The man replies, "you see, a Doberman helps protect me against burglars."
The manager lets him through.
The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager approaches him and says, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
The man replies, "You don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog."
The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a Chihuahua?"
The man, quick to think, says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
--
How to make money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing
them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.
__
Be careful what you wish for:
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich again come in and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,
fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever
had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who
agrees with everything I say.
--
There’s a whole category of stories which we might call “Lawyer Jokes.” Here’s a couple from that group:
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a
fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!
--
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
--
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,
"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
The lawyer said, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
He said, "But I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
--
Problems at work!
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”
Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
--
Ya gotta know when to quit!
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
_______
I suspect that’s about enough of this sort of thing for anybody to take at one time, so I’ll stop now. (Aren’t you glad?) I plan to return in a couple of weeks if, as they say, “The Good Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.” I hope at least some readers will return…
🖖🏼 LLAP,
Dr. B
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