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Richard S. Beam

122  More Humor, Just Because ….

6/29/2018

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My last posting was focused on lexophiles and paraprosdokians, two forms of language-based humor, of which I am quite fond.  Shortly after that posting, my younger daughter, Maggi, gave me a DVD of a production of Sheridan’s The Rivals performed at the Bristol Old Vic a few years ago for Father’s Day.  Now, I have known this play ever since I first saw a production of it at Northwestern (I grew up in Evanston, IL, as it says in my bio) during the summer after my Freshman or Sophomore year in High School; I toured it with the Indiana Theatre Company while I was in Grad. School in 1966-7; and, I directed & designed a production of it at WCU in 1974-5.  I also taught it in Lit./Crit. some of the time.  I confess that I have always enjoyed it.  In fact, it’s one of very few plays I would go see at almost any time and would love to direct again.  
 
A good deal of that pleasure probably is the result of the fact that I find Sheridan’s clever use of language delightful, and he uses many variations of it.  One of his best forms, I think, is the malapropism, named for Mrs. Malaprop, a character in this play.  The malapropism is a form of humor in which the speaker substitutes a word which sounds similar to the desired one for the correct (intended) one.  As in Mrs. Malaprop’s attempt to quote Hamlet, which comes out as: “Hesperion curls -- the front of Job himself! -- An eye, like March to threaten at command! -- A station like Harry Mercury ….”  I hope you see what I mean.  
 
Anyway, the news is mostly political (which I try to avoid, usually with at least some success) and upsetting, so I was looking for something to post about. I have a piece in development about a couple of books I read recently, but it’s not yet together in my head.  I didn’t want to fall back on more lexophiles and paraprosdokians so soon (maybe at some later point), so I decided that malapropisms might be fun.  This led to some thinking and a bit of on-line research which revealed that Dogberry in Much Ado About Nothing uses a number of “dogberryisms,” which seem to be malapropisms before the appearance of Mrs. Malaprop in The Rivals.  I also discovered that there are lots of malapropisms out there from a variety of sources.
 
Here are some examples which I enjoyed:
 
From Mrs. Malaprop inThe Rivals(what I would call “official” malapropisms):
 
...promise to forget this fellow - to illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory.
 
He is the very pine-apple of politeness!
 
I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her;
 
Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree.
 
I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

...she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying.
 
...she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.          
          (This may be my favorite of all of the “true” malapropisms)
 
From other known (named) people:
 
Your ambition - is that right - is to abseil across the English Channel?       Cilla Black
 
Listen to the blabbing brook.          Norm Crosby
 
This is unparalyzed in the state's history.        Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House
 
She's really tough; she's remorseful.    David Moorcroft
 
Cardial - as in cardial arrest.                 Eve Pollard
  
We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.     George W. Bush
 
The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder.                                                              Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor
 
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.                                 Dan Quayle, Vice President
 
From unnamed sources:
 
The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.
 
Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
 
The bowels are a, e, i, o, u and sometimes y.
 
Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.
 
The doctor felt the man's purse and said there was no hope.
 
Female moths are called myths.
 
The first thing they do when a baby is born is to cut its biblical chord.
 
The flood damage was so bad they had to evaporate the city.
 
Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.
 
Growing up the trellis were pink and yellow concubines.
 
Having one wife is called monotony.
 
From Student Bloopers:  (some of these COULD just be typos, but they’re also malapropisms)
 
The Indian squabscarried porpoise son their back. 
 
In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. 
 
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
 
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. 
 
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. 
 
King Alfred conquered the Dames. 
 
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. 
 
King Harold musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
 
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. 
 
The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. 
 
One of Jacob's sons, Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites. 
 
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
 
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. 
 
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.  
(Note: I actually had a student give me a speech outline [I was teaching public speaking 101 at the time] supporting the Second Amendment “… right to bare arms….”)
 
 They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot.
 
From Kids Say the Darndest Things:
 
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
 
A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. 
 
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
 
I hope these bring some pleasure into some lives.  There is so much going on these days which I find very distressing.  I suspect that’s true of others, as well.  Maybe I’ll be able to get myself together a bit better in the next couple of weeks and I’ll return to some of my more normal ramblings. We’ll see…
 
LLAP
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​121     Language: Wit, Cleverness & Wordplay #1

6/15/2018

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It’s probably self-evident to anyone who has ever known me that I have always enjoyed the intelligent, and clever, use of language. That’s at least partially why I like many literary works, including a lot of Shakespeare’s plays (along with those of Shaw, Sheridan, Wilde, and a number of other authors).  The willingness to spend the time and energy pick just the right word(s) for a specific situation often makes the difference, at least for me, between a work which I will enjoy many times and one which I may recognize as a work of good quality, but which does not really excite me. In many cases these word choices are amusing, but that doesn’t have to be the case.  No, they just have to be the “right” ones, the ones which say exactly what was intended better than any others would and that quality can be found in all sorts of writing and speech. 
 
This use of language is often referred to as “wit,” or “wordplay.”  I don’t care what you call it, however, I just enjoy it.  Recently, I ran across a reference to the word “lexophile,” which is defined as “… someone who loves to use words uniquely. e.g. ‘to write with a broken pencil is pointless.’”  As I love this sort of clever use of words, I looked into further into this kind of thing.  While doing that, I found a reference to the paraprosdokian, which is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpectedin a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part, often humorously.  As I continued to “research” these ideas, I ran across numerous examples of both, so I thought I’d post some.
 
Lexophiles:
 
A backward poet writes inverse.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

 He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Paraprosdokians:
​

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it is still on my list.

If I agree with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of Emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

The evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
 
 
That’s probably quite enough of this sort of thing for now, but I did find these amusing and hope others will, as well.  (I do have more examples.)  Who knows, I may just do this again sometime.  If you know of (or think of) examples I haven’t used, please send them to me.  I’m sure to enjoy them, and I may pass them along for others to enjoy.

​LLAP

 

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120     Some Thoughts on Political Correctness and Humor

6/1/2018

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Since I started writing this post the other day, the whole “Roseanne Barr” controversy has exploded onto the “social media” universe.  That made me stop and think that what I was writing might be construed as a defense of what many people, including myself, find unacceptable offensive comments.  I wish to make it clear that that was not my intent.  I believe that there is a difference between humor and vicious stupidity.  Much of that difference, I would suggest, boils down to intent.  I believe that many things which have, historically, been humorous can become hurtful, if the intent is for them to be so.  That, I also believe, does not mean that they can only be viewed that way.
 
I have decided to go ahead and post my comments to point out the idea that it is just possible that we, as a society, have lost a good deal of our sense of humor in an attempt to avoid any possible sense of impropriety and that, it seems to me, that that’s too bad. I think that there is a difference between recognizing that cultural, social, racial and ethnic differences can, and have been, a traditional source of humor and healing, and the choice to use those differences as a means of hurting and demeaning others.  In that light, I have decided to go ahead with the posting of these ideas as I had originally written them.

The other day, I picked up a copy of Christopher Moore’s new book, Noir, because I wished to keep my collection of his works up to date, being something of a fan.  I am especially fond ofLamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, and I do make it a point to reread The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terrorjust about every December.  I really like Moore’s weird sense of humor.Anyway, as I started reading Noir, the first thing I encountered was an Author’s Note which read “This story is set in 1947 America.  The language and attitudes of the narrators and characters regarding race, culture, and gender are contemporary to that time and may be disturbing to some.  Characters and events are fictional.”  My first reaction to this was that this statement just MIGHT be the funniest thing in the entire book (unlikely, but possible)!  I thought it was hysterical (and a bit sad) that Moore felt it necessary to state something which seemed so completely obvious to me.  Of course, dialogue and attitudes should reflect the period in which the story takes place.  Isn’t it self-evident that that should be the case?  And, yes, I am aware of the fact that socially acceptable expressions of opinions and attitudes have (and do) change over time.

Then I got to thinking about Michael Bogdanov’s book, Shakespeare: The Director’s Cut, which I had read not long ago, and which seemed to me to be a bit obsessed with the idea that the current political lens provides the only acceptable way to view (and therefore interpret) Shakespeare’s plays for production.  Thus, the marriage of Catherine of Valois to Henry V should be viewed as infamous because she was (historically) forced into the marriage for political reasons. He also seemed quite convinced that Katherine (the Shrew) was forced to marry that money grubber, Petruchio, because her father just wanted to get rid of her and that Petruchio only wanted her for her money.  Hence, he seemed to suggest that these ideas were intended to justify Petruchio’s “misogynistic” treatment of her which makes up much of this play and leads to what he seems to see as her total capitulation of her personhood.

​
I think that The Taming of the Shrew CAN legitimately be interpreted in quite a different light.  The fact does remain, however, that for most of Western history women were assumed to be the property of their families (generally their fathers) to be married off for political, social, or financial reasons as the fathers saw fit. The idea of marrying for love is, after all, basically a product of the Romantic movement, so it’s only about 200 years old; not all that long, historically speaking.  We may not accept the older idea today, but it was quite acceptable for centuries.  And, it was a common subject for humor, as was the idea of marriage for love.
 
All of this got me to thinking about the nature of humor and the fact that for a long time we have seemed to have difficulty dealing with the idea that much (perhaps most) humor, if you look at it deeply enough, has something to do with some sort of pain. Some suggest that by acknowledging and sharing this pain and recognizing that it’s not (or shouldn’t be) the normal state of affairs, through laughter and embarrassment, we are simply expressing something about the fundamental nature of humanity; that Man is the animal who laughs. It seems to me that humor is one of the more effective ways which humans use to share our common humanity. Consider some “jokes:”
 
I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"  He said "NO!"  I told him she’s Bill Gates daughter!!!!  He said "OKAY!"
I got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"  He said "NO!"  I told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!  He said "OKAY!"
I went to the Chairman of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank! He said "NO!"  I told him my son is Bill Gates' Son in Law!  He said "OKAY!"
And that, my friends, is the essence of how politics works…
 
This story is about lying (at its core), but it’s funny because we can identify with the idea that there is a certain degree of truth in it about the “wheeling and dealing” which we associate with politics and politicians.  Another one;
 
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.  
They were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that said: “Da End is Near.  Turn Yo Sef ‘Round Now Afore It Be Too Late!”
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “You are religious nuts!”
Then, from the curve in the road, they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
So, Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay …’Bridge Out?’”
 
So Cajun ministers are too dumb to make a simple sign, but are we always simple, clear and direct in our own communication?  Another;
 
There’s an Irish Proverb which says:
“May those who Love us, Love us;
And those who don’t Love us, may god turn their hearts;
And if he doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, 
So we’ll know them by their limping.”
 
Does this really mean that the Irish are just vengeful and stupid?  Or, does it express the common desire to know who is truly our friend, and who is not, and the difficulty in knowing that?  Another;
 
A Creation Story!
God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.”
Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?
God said, “Go down into that valley.”
Adam said, “What’s a valley?”  
God explained it to him.
Then God said, “Cross the River.
Adam said, “What’s a river?”
God explained the to him, and then said, “Go over the hill….”
Adam said, “What’s a hill?”
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”
After God explained what a cave was, He said, “In this cave you will find a woman.”
So, God explained that to him, too.
Then God said, “I want you to reproduce.”
Adam said, “How do I do that?”
God first said (under his breath), “Geez….”
And then, like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
In about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”
And Adam said, “What’s a headache?”
 
Isn’t this just another variation of one of the most classic “humorous” situations?  Perhaps because we’ve all found ourselves in some sort of comparable position?
 
The old TV show of “Amos and Andy” had characters who were: George Stevens, the henpecked husband, who got most of his sense of importance by being the “Kingfish” of the Mystic Knights of the Sea Lodge; Andy Brown, who was rather gullible and was frequently caught up in the Kingfish’s schemes; Sapphire Stevens, the Kingfish’s wife who was always catching her husband trying to pull a fast one to get rich; Calhoun, the lawyer, who was more than a bit on the shady side; and Amos Jones, the owner/operator of the Fresh Air Taxi Company, who seemed to be the only one who actually had some common sense.  Over time, this show got a lot of bad press because it was said to portray “Blacks” in a bad light.  I thought (still do) that that was a stupid idea, although one should never underestimate the power of human stupidity.  These characters were not funny because they were “African-American,” they were funny because they were easy to identify as “type” characters which can (and have been) found almost everywhere in almost every society. And they were funny because of their behavior, not their skin color.
 
Much the same could be said of “The Honeymooners” where bus driver Ralph Kramden was something of a self-serving blowhard, but he loved bowling and pool and was an enthusiastic member of the “Loyal Order of Raccoons;” Alice, was his more level-headed but sharp-tongued wife; Ed Norton, his sewer worker buddy, lets Ralph take the lead on various schemes, but seemed to be better-read, better-liked, more-worldly and certainly better-tempered than Ralph was. Again, these characters were “types” we could all identify with as we all knew people somewhat like that.  And, they were funny because they did silly things and got caught at it, not because they were “working class.”
 
Much the same sort of thing could be said of many of the characters in most television sit-com series, then and now.
 
So, what’s my point?  I think we have lost a good deal in these days of “Political Correctness” by allowing society to become so sensitive to anything which can be construed as being “offensive” that we have reduced most humor to stupidity.  Comedy (humor) is supposed to be a way of bringing us together.  The insistence that it’s “anti- American” to say or do ANYTHING which might be construed by anyone as being offensive is to limit humor to the pratfall, which is only funny when the guy who slips on the banana peel immediately jumps up obviously unhurt.  After all, it’s not funny if he just lies there in a pool of blood.  I think that there’s more to comedy than that.  Sure, people do, on occasion, do stupid things, just as we, ourselves, sometimes do.  But, pointing out that social, cultural, or linguistic differences do exist among us and that these can be seen as amusing to others is not, necessarily, intended to demean others.  It’s just possible that it’s intended to identify with their common humanity with us. After all, most of the best “Polack” jokes I’ve heard have, generally, been told by people of Polish extraction, the same with “Jewish,” or “Irish” jokes, or, even, theatre jokes. (see post #118)
 
I doubt that this post will have much of an impact on our greater society, but I think it’s probable that a good deal of the divisiveness we see in so many aspects of contemporary life can be traced to the idea that we tend to take ourselves a bit too seriously too much of the time.  A good laugh (especially if it’s at our own expense) every so often is not necessarily a bad thing; and it will probably help us, too.
 
LLAP
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