It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that this post was due to be go up on Bonnie and my wedding anniversary. Yup, I suppose I shouldn’t admit to how old it makes us, but we were married on Dec. 27, 1966. That means that our marriage is 57 years old right about now. That’s a long while; a lot longer than we haven’t been married. Anyway, that led me to figure that marriage might make a suitable topic for a blog post without getting me into too much trouble with my spouse (silly me[?]). So, I thought I’d give it a try. Here goes….
Of course, the first obstacle to being married for a long time lies in getting married in the first place. This requires not only finding someone with whom you believe that you might wish to be in a really long-term relationship with, but also dealing with all of the challenges of getting married. In our case, we had known each other for a couple of years while we were in school at Indiana University, while I was finishing my undergraduate schooling and starting work on my Master’s degree (and also being a member of the Indiana Theatre Company which was a “Fellowship” so I could afford it). At about that time, Bonnie was completing her undergraduate studies. Anyway, during the fall of ‘66, we realized that (since we were already contemplating marriage, the question was going to come down to “Did I stay in Bloomington, and finish my studies (and my ITC contract) while Bonnie returned to the Chicago area, lived with her folks, and found a job. This would probably mean that we could hope we could, eventually, get back together. OR did we just get married and figure out how to make that work?” I guess it’s pretty obvious to suggest that we chose the latter and we never really looked back.
The first challenge was the marriage ceremony, itself. Since Bonnie’s grandfather had founded the Park Ridge Community Church, she HAD to get married there, even if he had long since passed on. Since Park Ridge was only about 20 minutes from my folks home in Evanston, family travel was not a major issue, but the time frame was! Our only real option (considering our schedules) was during the Christmas break (which for me was shorter than usual due to ITC commitments). That left us between Christmas and New Year’s!
Somehow, Bonnie and her mother got the church arrangements all fixed up and dealt with the other issues (dress, flowers, etc., etc., etc.), so about all I had to deal with was showing up at the right place at the right time, appropriately dressed, etc. Of course, I also had to remember that --
Of course, the first obstacle to being married for a long time lies in getting married in the first place. This requires not only finding someone with whom you believe that you might wish to be in a really long-term relationship with, but also dealing with all of the challenges of getting married. In our case, we had known each other for a couple of years while we were in school at Indiana University, while I was finishing my undergraduate schooling and starting work on my Master’s degree (and also being a member of the Indiana Theatre Company which was a “Fellowship” so I could afford it). At about that time, Bonnie was completing her undergraduate studies. Anyway, during the fall of ‘66, we realized that (since we were already contemplating marriage, the question was going to come down to “Did I stay in Bloomington, and finish my studies (and my ITC contract) while Bonnie returned to the Chicago area, lived with her folks, and found a job. This would probably mean that we could hope we could, eventually, get back together. OR did we just get married and figure out how to make that work?” I guess it’s pretty obvious to suggest that we chose the latter and we never really looked back.
The first challenge was the marriage ceremony, itself. Since Bonnie’s grandfather had founded the Park Ridge Community Church, she HAD to get married there, even if he had long since passed on. Since Park Ridge was only about 20 minutes from my folks home in Evanston, family travel was not a major issue, but the time frame was! Our only real option (considering our schedules) was during the Christmas break (which for me was shorter than usual due to ITC commitments). That left us between Christmas and New Year’s!
Somehow, Bonnie and her mother got the church arrangements all fixed up and dealt with the other issues (dress, flowers, etc., etc., etc.), so about all I had to deal with was showing up at the right place at the right time, appropriately dressed, etc. Of course, I also had to remember that --
On the day, I WAS able to arrive on time and remember my “lines” reasonably accurately, and so, we were married.
Once one is married, the challenge becomes staying that way. I have to say that that really hasn’t been much of a problem for me (and I think/hope that’s been true for Bonnie, as well), but there ARE challenges. You don’t REALLY know someone until you actually live with them for a while (sort of like with your siblings), which suggests that this strip from Non Sequitur might apply to spouses as much as siblings. What do you think?
Once one is married, the challenge becomes staying that way. I have to say that that really hasn’t been much of a problem for me (and I think/hope that’s been true for Bonnie, as well), but there ARE challenges. You don’t REALLY know someone until you actually live with them for a while (sort of like with your siblings), which suggests that this strip from Non Sequitur might apply to spouses as much as siblings. What do you think?
Then, it’s also true that everybody has little foibles which you probably weren’t aware of prior to marriage, unless you’ve lived together for a good while (which we hadn’t). The comic strip Pickles is quite good at touching on such things, so here are a couple of examples which one might consider as samples.
Bonnie does most of the cooking for us, especially since she has to be medically concerned about her diet more than I do (so far). In any case, this situation has never actually come up with us, but it struck me that it COULD sometime.
Bonnie does most of the cooking for us, especially since she has to be medically concerned about her diet more than I do (so far). In any case, this situation has never actually come up with us, but it struck me that it COULD sometime.
There IS, however, the fact that Bonnie prefers a lower temperature in the house than I do. It’s probably because she keeps herself busy most of the time doing all sorts of things; crafting, cooking, shopping, gardening, and, generally, “fussing.” I, on the other hand, am more likely to be reading or working at my computer which is less active, so I’d really prefer it to be a couple of degrees warmer. I do understand that the cooler temp saves us money in the winter, but I strongly suspect we pay it back by running the air conditioning more in the summer.
In any event, Bonnie is a bit like Earl, while I resemble Opal in this, particular, instance.
In any event, Bonnie is a bit like Earl, while I resemble Opal in this, particular, instance.
As marriages continue, at least in my, lengthy, but quite limited, experience, topics of conversation change between the spouses. For example, having children is almost certain to have an impact, eventually leading to some awareness of this sort of change, as this from the Baby Blues comic strip suggests!
I would suggest that, with a modicum of effort, a marriage CAN survive for a long time, even if neither party goes to great lengths to make the other one aware of the importance of the relationship. It doesn’t hurt, however, to consider what Tevye and Golde say in “Do You Love Me?” from early in Act II of Fiddler on the Roof, “It doesn’t change a thing, But even so, After twenty-five years,” [or even longer] “It’s nice to know.”
That doesn’t mean that one doesn’t wonder at times, though. Case in point, I confess that I may resemble Earl, in the Pickles comic strip a bit, since I am the one who does the dishes most of the time. That’s a long story dating from the earliest days of our marriage which I won’t go into here. I confess to wishing, however, that Muffin had offered some sort of response to Earl’s question.
That doesn’t mean that one doesn’t wonder at times, though. Case in point, I confess that I may resemble Earl, in the Pickles comic strip a bit, since I am the one who does the dishes most of the time. That’s a long story dating from the earliest days of our marriage which I won’t go into here. I confess to wishing, however, that Muffin had offered some sort of response to Earl’s question.
Ultimately, the key to making a marriage last a long time might be stated as Commitment, Consideration, and Compromise. Commitment to the idea that the relationship is more important than any disagreements between the parties. Consideration of the other’s point of view. (NOTE: That’s NOT, necessarily, AGREEING with the other’s position, just accepting that She/He has the right to an opinion with which you don’t agree.) Compromise is the notion that finding a common ground is always desirable and possible, even if it is only being willing to agree to disagree. I think more that anything else, that’s what has kept our marriage pretty happy and healthy over these many years. It seems too bad that a lot of people don’t apply this simple practice to a good number of other things, as well.
Dustin may have explained it more succinctly and, certainly, more graphically (as well as much more humorously) in the strip below.
Dustin may have explained it more succinctly and, certainly, more graphically (as well as much more humorously) in the strip below.
🖖🏼 LLAP,
Dr. B
Dr. B
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