Points to Ponder:
If I had a nickel for every time that I didn’t know what was going on…
I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these freaking nickels?”
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
How Politics Works! (Given the state of political affairs these days, I’m forced to wonder if this just might not be true!)
I told my son "I want you to marry a girl of my choice!"
He said "NO!" I told him she’s Bill Gates daughter!!!!
He said "OKAY!"
Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him "I want your daughter to marry my son!"
He said "NO!"
Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!
He said "OKAY!"
Went to the Chairman of the World Bank & told him to make my son CEO of the Bank!
He said "NO!"
Told him my son is Bill Gates' Son in Law!
He said "OKAY!"
And that, my friends, is the essence of how politics works…
Then, there’s this from "Pearls Before Swine:"
A cowboy named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Billy. He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Billy says to the man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman." says Billy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
If you ever wondered how humans survived Creation, this probably won’t help, but it seemed worth repeating.
The Story of Creation!
God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.”
Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?
God said, “Go down into that valley.”
Adam said, “What’s a valley?”
God explained it to him.
Then God said, “Cross the River.
Adam said, “What’s a river?”
God explained the to him, and then said, “Go over the hill….”
Adam said, “What’s a hill?”
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”
After God explained, He said, “In this cave you will find a woman.”
So, God explained that to him, too.
Then God said, “I want you to reproduce.”
Adam said, “How do I do that?”
God first said (under his breath), “Geez….”
And then, like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
After a good while time, he comes back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”
And Adam said, “What’s a headache?”
On the other hand,
Some tombstones just get it right!
Why Mankind Has a Long Life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?”
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.
On the other hand, some things seem hard to explain, but may not be so…