Every so often I find I don’t want to think too hard and that a laugh, or two, might be pleasant. Going into the holidays is such a busy time anyway, that I thought that taking a couple of minutes for a chuckle, or two, might be worthwhile. In any event, here are some more things I have heard which I thought amusing…. For earlier stuff, see the archive.
Just some funny lines and questions--
Q: What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
The emphasis on “emojis” in all things made this just irresistible!
Something is 💩 in the state of Denmark.
There once was an actor who did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?
I like the guy who named his dog “5 miles” and walked “5 miles” every day.
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
Here are some quotes I’ve seen fairly recently--
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. Albert Einstein
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in bed, but fine against the wall.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. Joe Namath
Some stories which I liked--
This is a sort of “standard” bar joke, but I liked it.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
I hope this doesn’t offend any readers who happen to be Roman Catholic, but I found it quite funny.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!
Maybe you have to be of “a certain age” to appreciate his, but I got a laugh from it.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa ...
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that's the most dangerous of all, and many of us have eaten, or will eat in the future. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
LLAP
Just some funny lines and questions--
Q: What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
The emphasis on “emojis” in all things made this just irresistible!
Something is 💩 in the state of Denmark.
There once was an actor who did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?
I like the guy who named his dog “5 miles” and walked “5 miles” every day.
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A. They can’t stand fast food.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.
Here are some quotes I’ve seen fairly recently--
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. Albert Einstein
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: “No good in bed, but fine against the wall.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. Joe Namath
Some stories which I liked--
This is a sort of “standard” bar joke, but I liked it.
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
I hope this doesn’t offend any readers who happen to be Roman Catholic, but I found it quite funny.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!
Maybe you have to be of “a certain age” to appreciate his, but I got a laugh from it.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa ...
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that's the most dangerous of all, and many of us have eaten, or will eat in the future. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
LLAP
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