For Harry Potter fans, someone sent me sent this pictures of the Sept. 1 train schedule at King’s Cross station in London:
As I think I’ve said before, one of my favorite sources for this material is a restaurant and seafood monger here in Omaha. They recently sent out the following to explain why some poor guy retired:
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried working in a donut shop, but I soon got tired of the hole business.
I manufactured calendars, but my days were numbered.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing.
I took a job as an upholsterer, but I never recovered.
I tried working in a car muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I was a pilot, but tended to wing it, and I didn’t have the right altitude.
I studied to become a doctor, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job.
I became a Velcro salesman, but I couldn’t stick with it.
I tried my hand at a professional career in tennis, but it wasn’t my racket. I was too high strung.
I became a baker, but it wasn’t a cakewalk, and I couldn’t make enough dough. They fired me after I left a cake out in the rain.
I was a masseur for a while, but I rubbed people the wrong way.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I became a personal trainer in a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
I thought about being a historian, but I couldn’t see a future in it.
Next I was an electrician, but I found the work shocking and revolting, so they discharged me.
I tried being a teacher, but I soon lost my principal, my faculties, and my class.
I turned to farming, but I wasn’t outstanding in my field.
I took a job as an elevator operator. The job had its ups and downs, and I got the shaft.
I sold origami, but the business folded.
I took a job at UPS, but I couldn’t express myself.
I tried being a fireman, but I suffered burnout.
I became a banker, but I lacked interest and maturity, and finally withdrew from the job.
I was a professional fisherman, but I couldn’t live on my net income.
I next worked in a shoe factory, but I just didn’t fit in. They thought I was a loafer, and I got the boot.
I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I’ve retired, and I find I’m a perfect fit for this job!
For those folks (like me) who simply do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am found this explanation of how someone tried to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
He walked down the street everyday telling passersby what he have eaten, how he felt at the moment, what he had done the night before, what he was doing now, what he would be doing later and with whom, and where he was going next… and asking them to follow along with him and watch him be important.
Then he gave them pictures of his family, his dog, and himself gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, washing the car, driving around town, eating lunch, getting a haircut, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
He also listened to their conversations, gave them the "thumbs up" and told them he liked them and would be friends with them.
He said that it all worked just like Facebook…. only he did it face to face… not on a little glass screen.
He already had four people following him: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Joke Courtesy of Marilyn Titze
For anyone who loves coffee as much as I do, yet worries about not getting enough exercise: