NO! I am NOT even CONTEMPLATING NOT staying married! I merely noticed that it’s almost June, which seems to be an extremely popular time for people to engage (have engaged) in getting married, so I figured that a few thoughts related to keeping a marriage functional AFTER the “honeymoon” might be appropriate. After all, Bonnie and I, who didn’t have a June Wedding (nor a “honeymoon”), as we got married right after Christmas while I was starting Grad school) have had what I consider to be a pretty good marriage since 1966. So, since we’re gettin’ on to near 60 years, I figure that I (we) MIGHT be qualified to provide a few pointers which could be of some value to newlyerweds.
Of course, most of these comments will be based around cartoons, etc. which I’ve collected off the internet, but I have tried to “curate” them to suit the things I believed might be worth some thought. In any event, here are some things to think about on what appears to be a non-political, but timely, topic. I hope they will be worth your time and attention. Since I am male, I must admit that I probably am best (only?) qualified to speak, primarily, to/about men. And, since I am straight, my experience has only been with heterosexual marriage. That probably limits any expertise I could try to lay claim to, but it IS what it is. Perhaps my thoughts on this topic will at least entertain. Who knows, they might be of some assistance. In any case, here goes
It may be that the most important thing about getting married is to understand that you will NEVER actually completely understand your partner 100%. Just when you think you’ve got her/him figured out, something will happen which will force you to accept the fact that you’ve been fooling yourself. As the story goes:
Of course, most of these comments will be based around cartoons, etc. which I’ve collected off the internet, but I have tried to “curate” them to suit the things I believed might be worth some thought. In any event, here are some things to think about on what appears to be a non-political, but timely, topic. I hope they will be worth your time and attention. Since I am male, I must admit that I probably am best (only?) qualified to speak, primarily, to/about men. And, since I am straight, my experience has only been with heterosexual marriage. That probably limits any expertise I could try to lay claim to, but it IS what it is. Perhaps my thoughts on this topic will at least entertain. Who knows, they might be of some assistance. In any case, here goes
It may be that the most important thing about getting married is to understand that you will NEVER actually completely understand your partner 100%. Just when you think you’ve got her/him figured out, something will happen which will force you to accept the fact that you’ve been fooling yourself. As the story goes:
The Young Son inquires of his Father: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in
some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
To which the intelligent Father says: That happens in every country, son.
I would suggest that there is more than a small bit of truth in that statement!
I would hasten to add to that the idea that it seems likely that many of the important conversations between marriage partners are likely to take the form of what is commonly referred to as “pillow talk.” I would also suggest that the most important of such conversations often have nothing whatever to do with sex, but they can have lots to do with establishing & maintaining the (hopefully happy) relationship which marriage really is. And many, perhaps most, of these conversations may well not occur in, or even near, a bed, although I believe that some may do so.
Here are some examples of what I mean --
The General in Beetle Bailey is not always portrayed as the most brilliant person in the world, but he DOES seem to want to preserve his marriage, as indicated below.
I would hasten to add to that the idea that it seems likely that many of the important conversations between marriage partners are likely to take the form of what is commonly referred to as “pillow talk.” I would also suggest that the most important of such conversations often have nothing whatever to do with sex, but they can have lots to do with establishing & maintaining the (hopefully happy) relationship which marriage really is. And many, perhaps most, of these conversations may well not occur in, or even near, a bed, although I believe that some may do so.
Here are some examples of what I mean --
The General in Beetle Bailey is not always portrayed as the most brilliant person in the world, but he DOES seem to want to preserve his marriage, as indicated below.
He understands that, while it is “socially acceptable” for his wife to say such a thing about her upcoming birthday, it is probably NOT particularly wise for him to accept and follow her stated opinion as if it were fact, at least if he wants to maintain a happy home life. Marriage partners (and not just female ones) may say these sorts of things, but following such suggestions may NOT be the wisest choice in the long run.
At least the General was aware of the approach of his wife’s birthday. Things COULD be worse, as Ed, the husband/father in Dustin, thought might be the case below.
At least the General was aware of the approach of his wife’s birthday. Things COULD be worse, as Ed, the husband/father in Dustin, thought might be the case below.
On the other hand, Ed is, at times, more astute than many spouses, which might be explained by the fact that Dustin (the lead character in the strip) is Ed and Helen’s fully grown (although living at home) child. That suggests that they have stayed married for a good while, which could explain why Ed may be more accomplished at staying married than some.
Case in point:
Case in point:
Lest people think that I am overly-enamored of Dustin, let me include a cartoon from the cartoon strip, Zits, which also deals with a somewhat older couple who have a teenaged son. I think that this strip makes it clear that REAL communication between the couple is of considerable importance. Exactly WHAT is said may, on occasion, even be less important than what is, in fact, communicated.
Actually, clear communication may become even MORE important as the marriage progresses. One should learn to watch what one says, however, as, sometimes, compromise may be necessary for the good of the relationship.
Unfortunately, we don’t all have the abilities of The Wizard of ID to assist us when it comes to dealing with the foibles of our partner. Still, his talents suggest (again) that a lasting relationship may involve figuring out a way to make everyone as happy as possible, without being too annoying to their partner.
I see that I haven’t yet even touched on the challenges which having children can create in a marriage. For example, this Baby Blues strip suggests that children CAN provide challenges to a relationship.
On the other hand, this strip from Thatababy suggests that children CAN lead to marriage partners discovering new insights into even a well-established relationship.
That comment was mostly for the Dr. Who fans among us. (I confess that I am really not such a fan, but I have a daughter who is, so I do know a bit about such things.)
Perhaps one of the biggest keys to establishing and maintaining a marriage can be summed up by simply suggesting that it’s highly desirable to learn how to recognize and acknowledge the moments that really matter in the relationship. After all, a relationship should NOT be about what one partner gives up, but should be about how two people can both be more and better together. That CAN take some work, but it can certainly be worth it, especially as any children get older!
Perhaps one of the biggest keys to establishing and maintaining a marriage can be summed up by simply suggesting that it’s highly desirable to learn how to recognize and acknowledge the moments that really matter in the relationship. After all, a relationship should NOT be about what one partner gives up, but should be about how two people can both be more and better together. That CAN take some work, but it can certainly be worth it, especially as any children get older!
To close THIS post off (I may return to this topic at some point in the future), it may be worth pointing out that a good relationship is a bit magical. It can develop beyond simple accommodation and “getting along,” to the point where it, is simply beyond easy explanation and understanding, even for our children, as is suggested in this strip from Pickles.
If there’s anyone out there contemplating starting a marriage, or who knows someone who is, I hope you will share this. I don’t pretend that it’s especially profound, but it is sincere. I think Bonnie and I have had what I would call a “good” marriage, and I hope it continues for a while yet.
I’ll return in a couple of weeks with something else that I‘m thinking about. I hope you’ll came back, too.
🖖🏼 LLAP,
Dr. B
I’ll return in a couple of weeks with something else that I‘m thinking about. I hope you’ll came back, too.
🖖🏼 LLAP,
Dr. B
RSS Feed